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Not a girl the way you want a girl

new year

new year

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well this is my first post of the new year.
i am currently watching for 4 days the Cahana kids(my rabbi's family).
at Sunday school today, teaching the little heebs today felt AMAZING!!! i felt like i was confident and doing good work.
a family i work for, my favorite really, is moving to boston. i am kind of praying that maybe they'll take me with them. i'd put off denmark for a year for them. hearing they were going to move broke my heart.
which then cause a ripple effect with my emotions. i've been feeling more sensitive in certain ways. i take notice when my heart feels something i am not really sure about, or feel strongly about.
for instance, alec and i have been "dating" for four months now. and after the adventures at the beach i've felt closer and more strongly about him. i know i won't really allow myself to "fall in love" with him. not really sure why i am keeping myself from doing that. my mother said some positive things about our relationship that she witnessed. and the many occasions that his family INVITES me too, and wants me around, i feel even closer to him.

why do i still feel like i have a fear of real commitment???

back to the kids...want to get us out of the house for a little while. maybe coffee time with some board games...
  • i was never mad at you. just hurt...but i guess it's not my place. it was just a fucked up hard time that b was leaving for 3 weeks at that moment and things were fucked and i just was looking forward to it i guess in some weird way.

    also, you and i both know why you have a fear of commitment and that's ok...you don't have to feel bad about it because it's probably a darn valid reason to feel that way. counseling might just help...the ywca has siding scale and they are pretty great because maybe it's ok to ask for help when you need it. you just can't scare yourself into thinking everyone will die at any moment or leave you because that is really easy to do when you have a substancial loss.

    blah blah blah. emo vomit...
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