Not a girl the way you want a girl

Alec left this morning. His flight took off at 5:45 am. I am still up...working on my room. organizing myself, getting rid of stuff, and making it my own space again so i am not crying all the time. i am going to miss that boy like crazy. hell i already do and its been like 2 hours. but i bet i only miss him that much because he's not coming back until...um...i don't know, and neither does he.

We decided to stay together. We opened our relationship so that neither of us feel retrained or anything. But the label is there, and so is the relationship. Honestly as of now, i don't really want to date or really start anything. hells yes i am a flirt. and i will probably always be one. but this i know, i love Alec, and i really don't want anyone else.

Leaving for Denmark on the 25th of August, which is why Alec going to Mexico is also a good thing. Because then we are both working toward something of our own, but we can still share it all with each other. Sure I'll be in Denmark for an academic school year, but i am going to Denmark for the experience not to meet anyone. well i mean romantically, and i don't want to.

sigh, i miss him already, i feel slightly odd about that. i think it makes sense, but another part of me feels silly. even if no one else knew what our relationship was like, i do, and it just makes sense. we make sense, and we work well together. and i am excited for when we will see each other again.


on Saturday night Alec and i went to see polyphonic spree. it was amazing! it was a jolt to my soul. that band just exudes light. listening to them, watching them, etc. i feel that the experience was one like no other. and it just has put me in a good place. even during all this craziness. having Alec there meant a lot to me, and made it all that more special.

will i ever get sleep?!
i am supposed to go to a pot luck for Bri and Alisha's b day. i missed vince and travis's short notice b day extravaganza, as well as b and a's karaoke short notice b day extravaganza. all for time with Alec, i hope all parties understand that. i mean otherwise you couldn't had stopped me from attending these events.

Hosted By: Jackie and Meghan
When: Friday Apr 27, 2007
at 9:00 PM
Where: 107 house AKA 'the box'
107 NE 74th ave (one block north of Burnside)
Portland, OR 97213
United States
Description:
Jackie and Meghan

Click Here To View Event

i don't trust you. you twist my words and make it look bad. when all i've ever wanted to do for you was help. you broke my heart, and rejected me. everyone else thinks that is acceptable. but to me it isn't. if you were of other gender, it would've been more acceptable. but they aren't as open as they seem.

nice knowing you...
Jackie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


i don't trust lack of honesty. lack of respect. lack of fluidity.

however i have to make the decision now.
i will no longer put myself in any situation that might put me in the line of fire for any negative energy.
i rather not waste my time with people who don't care.
i care about all of my friends. i believe i am loyal and true.
i might have a hard time saying what i need to say, but that's because everyone is defensive. including me. if i share how people really make me feel they will have something to back it up.

i feel lucky to be blessed with a partner who will listen and not always explain.
if only i could do the same for them.

i'm working on it...

its amazing really what your mind can do.

after probably 4 or so months of not talking to the rabbi son, we've made contact again.
this almost 31 yr old man could drive me to tears and probably has on at least one occasion.
but as i wrote him a new email, responding to his last one, about 10 mins after i sent it i realized...i forgot some key things i wanted to share with him.

like the fact that my biological father is trying to physically reenter my life and i'd much rather he didn't. or if he did reenter my life that he'd help me out and NOT do it physically. or ask me how i felt about it. or anything! the man called me again this morning, its just always so damn early when he calls that i don't want to answer cause i am not ready to tell him NOT to come. not unless its later in the day and i am prepared. and he gives me no choice cause i can't call him back...so i have to wait! fucker.

i told him i was leaving Portland on Tuesday...but didn't tell him where. why can't i just write...hey Alex, I'm coming to nyc. i am staying right outside the city, and a few nights I'll stay in the city. and i am going to Connecticut too. oh and btw did i mention i am bringing my fabulous younger anarchist boyfriend?

instead i write him about living without constraints because he wrote in his letter "I often feel like I'm working under constraints, but then realize there are no constraints. Try to think like that some time, and see how it works!" and i found this to be quite presumptuous on his part. he has no idea what i a like anymore if he can say this. and it also seemed quite patronizing because of this "try to think like that sometime, and see how it works!" comment. wtf?
if he has any idea how i think he's DEAD wrong.

i should be working on my papers...going to omsi later today.
working at the rabbi's place again.

btw i will address the comment from my last entry very soon. who ever you are, just so ya know, you really hurt me.

*i wish i'd hear from jack.*

sometimes i disgust myself. with my self pity and feelings of lack of self worth. i feel like i have worth when i am at work, when i am at school, when i am with my boyfriend. but lately i feel incredibly less of worth in my friends eyes. i feel like if i write these in certain areas that people will just worry...ie alec. alec will just worry. he does so well to make me feel better.

but i don't hear from friends. i see them share their love with other people, and i feel left out. i feel as if i am not worthy of their love. or maybe these types of entries make them love me less.

how dare i question their love?!
its like when sean died i just questioned if he ever loved me.
many of my friends have shown me they care.
but right now i am falling into an abyss of shit, of craziness, of chaoticness. and i feel like my friends should be way excited when i am around, because i am so busy that i don't tend to be around. but instead i feel like its not a novelty that i am around. cause why would anyone care?

i know i can't just excommunicate myself at all because alec wouldn't let me cut off from everyone. cause he's my connection. i don't doubt that all of my friends are going through their own hard times. and i feel for that. i really do. but in some selfish way why i can't i feel like i matter to these people?

i have to wonder who i am talking about really.
i know everyone has their sort of "group", and i felt it about a month ago. but right now...i feel like i am on an island.

anyone wanna visit once and awhile?

fuck i feel pathetic.

i've been accepted to go to denmark for a year to study...so that's exciting.

my hetero lifemate molly is visiting me march 3rd for a week!
I am going east with my amazing boyfriend march 20th.
i just reconnected with an old camp friend who is in nyc and will be meeting up with her while we are there.

classes seem to be settling down, and less chaotic.
i am getting stuff done, which feels amazing.

i am feeling on track, however having issues in my social life...but i think its more really in my head.

overall doing pretty well for myself. how wonderful!


although, right now feeling slightly annoyed cause i can't get a hold of said boyfriend.

i told some people from my science class about sean last night. and they were amazed by how well i seem to be doing. i think i worry about that with people i know. that they think i got better too fast or that i should seem more of a mess. i am a little surprised the more i think about what they've said. though last night i had a flashback of a memory, i've been thinking about this ever since the conversation with those classmates.

of course i miss him, I'll always miss him. hell i was way crazy for 6 months, i know that. i knew the only way to feel okay about all this was to get better and do things for me.

wait, do i have to be sad? it is a sad state of affairs that he's not with us. absolutely. of course i miss him, he changed my life. but to be honest i can't imagine where I'd be if he was here. i mean i was planning on sleeping with him right when i got back. we talked about it. how would've that helped me? really?! could i really gotten over him? to watch him be with others would tear me apart.

i can't hear joy division without remembering him. i know i fell in love with new order when he passed, they helped me though it, on some level. i remember the CD release party for Mirah, which was hard but ended up being an important thing for my grieving.

I'm okay, and its okay that i don't get "sad" about it. i don't know. i know this though...i don't really need to explain any of this to anyone but myself. so i really don't know why i feel the need to post this.

i love you all.

have to head to work...

well this is my first post of the new year.
i am currently watching for 4 days the Cahana kids(my rabbi's family).
at Sunday school today, teaching the little heebs today felt AMAZING!!! i felt like i was confident and doing good work.
a family i work for, my favorite really, is moving to boston. i am kind of praying that maybe they'll take me with them. i'd put off denmark for a year for them. hearing they were going to move broke my heart.
which then cause a ripple effect with my emotions. i've been feeling more sensitive in certain ways. i take notice when my heart feels something i am not really sure about, or feel strongly about.
for instance, alec and i have been "dating" for four months now. and after the adventures at the beach i've felt closer and more strongly about him. i know i won't really allow myself to "fall in love" with him. not really sure why i am keeping myself from doing that. my mother said some positive things about our relationship that she witnessed. and the many occasions that his family INVITES me too, and wants me around, i feel even closer to him.

why do i still feel like i have a fear of real commitment???

back to the kids...want to get us out of the house for a little while. maybe coffee time with some board games...

a year has past...and we've gathered in your name.
we all loved him.
and many who didn't attend loved him too.

i thank the people who came, i thank the people who thought of coming (and for reasons couldn't), i thank people who remembered.

i miss him. and will everyday miss that bright eyed best friend puppy boyface that i grew to love over ALMOST 3 years.

but its been a year and i can actually say, i am proud of myself.
i said it last night while drunk having a cigarette with kevin.
and i said it again this morning in my bed looking around my room seeing how far i've come.


who knew so many lifetimes could happen in a year?

on the night of mirah's cd release party that i attended, which was amazing and i made a new friendyay...but...before the good stuff. i freaked. no one was coming with me. and it hit me, can i do this? can i go see MIRAH of all people perform by myself? usually i know i am great and going and doing what i want no matter. but this time, well this time, it had been 2 years since i've seen her. and every time i had seen her it was with the one person who showed me her glory. i cried because i was scared, and hurt. i cried for sean. not for him per say...but this is where i loose words on that evening.

last night i got stoned at the big box. and kevin came which made me really happy. he made me also think about how close it is getting to a year passing. so when i went home all stoned i was thinking of sean. and started thinking of things i thought of when i was watching mirah play.

i don't remember how your skin felt against mine.
i don't remember what sex was like with you...not by detail anyways.
i don't remember how it was to lie in your arms as i fell asleep.
i don't remember how it felt to cry with you.
i don't remember your kiss. or what you looked like when you cried.

and that's what hurts and breaks my heart.
i have memories, and i should be happy about that.
but before going to sleep, i took out my puppy. i haven't slept with it for over 4 months or so. and i listened to von by sigur ros.


today was a stressful day. and with me riding the crimson wave, well it doesn't help. so while crying in frustration for everything, i cried for all thing things i am forgetting. the things no one else can really help me remember.

maybe its better this way.

anyways i miss sean, and i wanted to share that.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

i haven't heard from jack in amsterdam in a while. i've been thinking about him. and i think i was the last to email, i hope he's not avoiding me.

i am sure he's just caught up with some "lady friend".

well i am in reed library. totally amped up on "caffeine"

i am hungry and considering leaving with only have written 5 paragraphs of a rough draft of what is supposed to be a 10 page paper. she said just see what you can get done, so far that's what i have. i could read some of my books at home and write some of them on my computer and add them in tomorrow. its only 10pm. i've been researching and writing since about 7 or so.

i should feel better about this.
my ideas are forming, shouldn't that be enough?!

but point to this post...jack where are you?!

okay so here is where i use my journal for what it is good for.

out pouring my emotions.

i was on myspace and saw a flyer on a friends page, for her birthday party, which was like 3 days ago. the address on it was 321 ne knott, sound familiar?

it was just weird...after eating pizza toppings, i kept thinking about tess and randy. i called them like 2 or 3 months ago, and no call back. it just hurt. it still hurts. because he isn't here. i know i am not the only one who misses him. and i know i went crazy when it first happened. and i am feeling very healthy when it comes to my grieving process now. but still...i feel i keep some of this to myself.

i miss sean.

i realized today i was lucky to have had a male feminist as a first everything. and a best friend. on some level anyways.

and now i will go get food.

its been 3 months since i have last had sex...not that anyone really cares, but i find it interesting.

well, school is getting ready to be in full swing, and i keep seeing people i know.

chris cooley is currently messaging me saying ridiculous things, i think he does it cause he has nothing to say really. too bad.

today i started off in my history of the family class. and to my pleasant surprise ian mandis is in my class. ROCK. (and now i am fucking with chris and telling him i got married...haha). ian also is taking human development, but his is after mine. we are going to share books. i am glad i'll see him pretty much all week.

took care of some things today. i love the feeling of doing so much in a day. i've been up since 7am and i've done a lot.

i am glad to be back in school. its nice to be here.

nothing interesting to share, well nothing i want to share. not with the group anyways.



i am running low on steam...

i find it painful in a way to realize that someone you care for DEEPLY could get married...
when i say someone, i think of old friends, lovers, boys...these men who keep coming in and out of my life. but if they marry these girls...i better be fucking invited.

ate some pizza toppings last night on the columbia river shore. it was fucking amazing.

i have made a decision...i will marry someone with bright big blue eyes.
and i think i want to get to know someone better. too bad they live in seattle. but ya know what...i have a good feeling.

new beginnings and all that junk...

i need to catch the bus now.
peace out girl scout...damn i am lame!

What is with my attitude? I can see that i am not talking to charlie in the fashion i want to speak to him. i can tell i am feeling short with my mother. what the hell?!

could it be the fact that i still don't know where i am going to live? am i tired? i bet i am tired.

i just made a school sched for myself. I am currently signed up for 4 classes.
but everyday BUT friday my day starts at 8am! shitty! but i want to get this done, so what else can i do? fridays i know i will be working at least at 9am. I don't want to have to park my car is another issue.

crap my mom is home. back to cooking.

i'll finish this later.

ps had some really awesome pizza toppings yesterday! all day! until i went to see shortbus the new john cameron mitchell movie. who i met again, and hugged. i love him!!! then went to a party...which josh got super drunk at. which was funny. of course. we were juan with an x and jina with a j. it was fun. i missed him actually. he crashed at my place, and we went for crappy greasy food this morning.

then i spent most of the day either watch gilmore girls or looking for apartments with melissa. i hope we find something soon.

lately i've been reconnected with my past. or making stronger connections. i mean i've been seeing josh more, and haven't really excellent conversations with him. I went out with sam and ian the other day, to get drinks and such. nicest part of that was my reconnected with sam. though he hasn't returned my calls since, typical sam, we still had interesting conversations about how our relationship just is. also i didn't realize how well he knew me.

but the one that i am trying to really establish a cross continental connection with is alex. we've been talking more. well he called me once this month. and i called him yesterday.
i called him because we have a new rabbi, and i swear! this guy rocks...i'll get to the connection between the rabbi and alex in a moment. but first the rabbi and his wife are super friendly and nice. they are the warm and fuzzy clergy i've been searching for! i am really looking forward to the next year! i have a good feeling. but this rabbi's energy and new york je n' se quoi (excuse spelling) just made me feel like calling alex. i know he and i haven't spent tons of time together. but there is something about him, i feel like we have a connection. i just feel so silly about it. like he wouldn't see it the same way or something.

these are some of the men who have made such an impact on who i've become, that i feel that they are super important.
and some have been on my mind more than others.

can i manifest? sigh...i am SO in trouble.

my heart has been doing crazy things lately. its been fluttering. which in my opinion is pretty rad!

so everyone around me keeps saying that i look great, and i seem great. well i'll let the masses know now...i feel great!!!

i got a call today, from an old friend. and i will admit i am very much in love with this person on some level. though we have never spent more than 3 days around each other, i feel our connection reaches far out passed the norm. even he said i sounded great. i actually talked about this man, yes man, earlier with kate. saying i wanted to marry him. now lately i've been making lots o comments about marrying various friends of mine. hell i find it fun to know i love someone that much. not in love but love. but that only applies to a few of the gentlemen i've been wanting to marry. two of them, i love to pieces but not in love. the other two are pretty perfect in a lot of ways. one i know i am in love with, the other i think there is the capability of falling in love. i think its almost happened a few times. here is the main problem with these two great men. both live on the other side of the country.
i am just hoping one day it will all work out.

so back to the old friend. he's an amazing person. and i don't know i feel super crazy about him. i always do. he writes me a myspace, and i get surprised. it was about a week ago that he wrote me. i called him the next day, after writing him back. but no call back. and then he did. i see this as a good sign. i do think we are going to reconnect. i just love how he added that he was seeing someone knew so slyly. it was just in passing of other things.


i think he loves me too...

ick, back to packing. i hope to hear from han today. i am worried i am in for nothing but disappointment...(at least on the movin' thang)

btw, i am going to do josh's show with him today. so at 5pm west coast kpsu.org. check out captain sassypants...and me his easy target.

mmm...i want to write but in all honesty i have nothing to say.

i had a yard sale. i had myspace drama with my mother. which is a story in its self.
my car broke on my yesterday, AGAIN! but i know the problem and i think my friend can fix it. so that's good.

i had a date last night. but while on the date we discussed how it really wasn't like normal dates. but it was awesome just the same. i like a boy and he likes me. and yet we are both pretty secure in it all to keep it open and carefree. which is super nice.

kate's a saint cause she let me use her car yesterday. she rocks! this is why she's my hero.

its weird the sensation of growing up. but very nice at the same time.

i am hoping this han guy calls me today and offers me the room in his apartment. here is hoping.

i feel dirty and would like to get back to my house to clean up myself, and my room. ie start packing.
i wished and i have recieved. kate and i are going to go get my car, which means i can head home. ROCK!

Its here,fall! I love days with weather like today. Not too hot, not too chilly, its great.

So I am addicted to kate's sidekick. I don't want one, but I am enjoying it today. We are having a yard sale. I am outside enjoying the day.

I am looking to move. My living situation isn't for me. Today I met with a guy named Han, he seemed cool. The place is kinda small but my room would be big. He's a social person, so that would be cool. Its also in an amazing location! 39th and belmont area. Its right by the library off belmont.

I have an appointment tomorrow too.

Also I will be getting paid this week for doing a job that was canceled. ROCK!
Things look good from here.
I love fall!!!

Also it would seem that in the 5 or so years of me having this lj, I have never written on this date. Interesting, atleast to me.