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Not a girl the way you want a girl

i was made for my own pleasure

Jackie

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November 24th, 2014

At this point, pretty sure no one I know uses this. Or reads their friends list.

So here goes some stuff.

Interestingly enough, as I browse my FB feed, I remember how it used to be before the world got into computers. I remember Sean always searching for things, and finding random fun things to share. Never thought about where he saw all this stuff. How did people do those things back in the early 2000's. Now there are things like Reddit, and Imgur, or whatever other sites people look at for links. Fascinating to see how far we have come in a very short period of time.

Reading old entries again. Seeing the patterns of my life with some hindsight. Like, wow for most of the time after Sean and I broke up...I seemed to just wait for guys. Wait for them to text, call, make plans. I would just wait around till I heard from them. I wonder if I always did that. Do all women do that? Do guys? Or was it just me and even with my independence, I still waited. None of them were worth it. Not really. Half of them, I don't even recall what it was like to be around them. Mostly awkward.

And now...after spending years traveling, off and on...I sit in my house. MY house, and house I have bought with my partner...my fiance. I am fucking getting married! Its exciting and different. And tonight, because of late I guess, I can't sleep. I lay there trying...and then I think, why? Why not just get up? Who cares? You will be fine for work tomorrow. Its late in the day, and you can get many things on your list done before that. Just have to do it. Which I know I can.

But I lay their anyways. Worried. Worried that my recent emotional state might have made my interactions with people lately a little weird. Or worried about having kids in my house and working from home.

All I want right now is a CD that I know is at my parents house. I wish I had it here. In my house.

Glad to see the moods haven't changed...Ha!

July 16th, 2007

miles and miles away.

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Alec left this morning. His flight took off at 5:45 am. I am still up...working on my room. organizing myself, getting rid of stuff, and making it my own space again so i am not crying all the time. i am going to miss that boy like crazy. hell i already do and its been like 2 hours. but i bet i only miss him that much because he's not coming back until...um...i don't know, and neither does he.

We decided to stay together. We opened our relationship so that neither of us feel retrained or anything. But the label is there, and so is the relationship. Honestly as of now, i don't really want to date or really start anything. hells yes i am a flirt. and i will probably always be one. but this i know, i love Alec, and i really don't want anyone else.

Leaving for Denmark on the 25th of August, which is why Alec going to Mexico is also a good thing. Because then we are both working toward something of our own, but we can still share it all with each other. Sure I'll be in Denmark for an academic school year, but i am going to Denmark for the experience not to meet anyone. well i mean romantically, and i don't want to.

sigh, i miss him already, i feel slightly odd about that. i think it makes sense, but another part of me feels silly. even if no one else knew what our relationship was like, i do, and it just makes sense. we make sense, and we work well together. and i am excited for when we will see each other again.


on Saturday night Alec and i went to see polyphonic spree. it was amazing! it was a jolt to my soul. that band just exudes light. listening to them, watching them, etc. i feel that the experience was one like no other. and it just has put me in a good place. even during all this craziness. having Alec there meant a lot to me, and made it all that more special.

will i ever get sleep?!
i am supposed to go to a pot luck for Bri and Alisha's b day. i missed vince and travis's short notice b day extravaganza, as well as b and a's karaoke short notice b day extravaganza. all for time with Alec, i hope all parties understand that. i mean otherwise you couldn't had stopped me from attending these events.

April 24th, 2007

(no subject)

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Hosted By: Jackie and Meghan
When: Friday Apr 27, 2007
at 9:00 PM
Where: 107 house AKA 'the box'
107 NE 74th ave (one block north of Burnside)
Portland, OR 97213
United States
Description:
Jackie and Meghan

Click Here To View Event

March 31st, 2007

dear friend,

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i don't trust you. you twist my words and make it look bad. when all i've ever wanted to do for you was help. you broke my heart, and rejected me. everyone else thinks that is acceptable. but to me it isn't. if you were of other gender, it would've been more acceptable. but they aren't as open as they seem.

nice knowing you...
Jackie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


i don't trust lack of honesty. lack of respect. lack of fluidity.

however i have to make the decision now.
i will no longer put myself in any situation that might put me in the line of fire for any negative energy.
i rather not waste my time with people who don't care.
i care about all of my friends. i believe i am loyal and true.
i might have a hard time saying what i need to say, but that's because everyone is defensive. including me. if i share how people really make me feel they will have something to back it up.

i feel lucky to be blessed with a partner who will listen and not always explain.
if only i could do the same for them.

i'm working on it...

March 17th, 2007

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its amazing really what your mind can do.

after probably 4 or so months of not talking to the rabbi son, we've made contact again.
this almost 31 yr old man could drive me to tears and probably has on at least one occasion.
but as i wrote him a new email, responding to his last one, about 10 mins after i sent it i realized...i forgot some key things i wanted to share with him.

like the fact that my biological father is trying to physically reenter my life and i'd much rather he didn't. or if he did reenter my life that he'd help me out and NOT do it physically. or ask me how i felt about it. or anything! the man called me again this morning, its just always so damn early when he calls that i don't want to answer cause i am not ready to tell him NOT to come. not unless its later in the day and i am prepared. and he gives me no choice cause i can't call him back...so i have to wait! fucker.

i told him i was leaving Portland on Tuesday...but didn't tell him where. why can't i just write...hey Alex, I'm coming to nyc. i am staying right outside the city, and a few nights I'll stay in the city. and i am going to Connecticut too. oh and btw did i mention i am bringing my fabulous younger anarchist boyfriend?

instead i write him about living without constraints because he wrote in his letter "I often feel like I'm working under constraints, but then realize there are no constraints. Try to think like that some time, and see how it works!" and i found this to be quite presumptuous on his part. he has no idea what i a like anymore if he can say this. and it also seemed quite patronizing because of this "try to think like that sometime, and see how it works!" comment. wtf?
if he has any idea how i think he's DEAD wrong.

i should be working on my papers...going to omsi later today.
working at the rabbi's place again.

btw i will address the comment from my last entry very soon. who ever you are, just so ya know, you really hurt me.

*i wish i'd hear from jack.*

February 20th, 2007

pity...fuck i feel sick!

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sometimes i disgust myself. with my self pity and feelings of lack of self worth. i feel like i have worth when i am at work, when i am at school, when i am with my boyfriend. but lately i feel incredibly less of worth in my friends eyes. i feel like if i write these in certain areas that people will just worry...ie alec. alec will just worry. he does so well to make me feel better.

but i don't hear from friends. i see them share their love with other people, and i feel left out. i feel as if i am not worthy of their love. or maybe these types of entries make them love me less.

how dare i question their love?!
its like when sean died i just questioned if he ever loved me.
many of my friends have shown me they care.
but right now i am falling into an abyss of shit, of craziness, of chaoticness. and i feel like my friends should be way excited when i am around, because i am so busy that i don't tend to be around. but instead i feel like its not a novelty that i am around. cause why would anyone care?

i know i can't just excommunicate myself at all because alec wouldn't let me cut off from everyone. cause he's my connection. i don't doubt that all of my friends are going through their own hard times. and i feel for that. i really do. but in some selfish way why i can't i feel like i matter to these people?

i have to wonder who i am talking about really.
i know everyone has their sort of "group", and i felt it about a month ago. but right now...i feel like i am on an island.

anyone wanna visit once and awhile?

fuck i feel pathetic.

February 13th, 2007

that's life...

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i've been accepted to go to denmark for a year to study...so that's exciting.

my hetero lifemate molly is visiting me march 3rd for a week!
I am going east with my amazing boyfriend march 20th.
i just reconnected with an old camp friend who is in nyc and will be meeting up with her while we are there.

classes seem to be settling down, and less chaotic.
i am getting stuff done, which feels amazing.

i am feeling on track, however having issues in my social life...but i think its more really in my head.

overall doing pretty well for myself. how wonderful!


although, right now feeling slightly annoyed cause i can't get a hold of said boyfriend.

February 2nd, 2007

i told some people from my science class about sean last night. and they were amazed by how well i seem to be doing. i think i worry about that with people i know. that they think i got better too fast or that i should seem more of a mess. i am a little surprised the more i think about what they've said. though last night i had a flashback of a memory, i've been thinking about this ever since the conversation with those classmates.

of course i miss him, I'll always miss him. hell i was way crazy for 6 months, i know that. i knew the only way to feel okay about all this was to get better and do things for me.

wait, do i have to be sad? it is a sad state of affairs that he's not with us. absolutely. of course i miss him, he changed my life. but to be honest i can't imagine where I'd be if he was here. i mean i was planning on sleeping with him right when i got back. we talked about it. how would've that helped me? really?! could i really gotten over him? to watch him be with others would tear me apart.

i can't hear joy division without remembering him. i know i fell in love with new order when he passed, they helped me though it, on some level. i remember the CD release party for Mirah, which was hard but ended up being an important thing for my grieving.

I'm okay, and its okay that i don't get "sad" about it. i don't know. i know this though...i don't really need to explain any of this to anyone but myself. so i really don't know why i feel the need to post this.

i love you all.

have to head to work...

January 7th, 2007

new year

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well this is my first post of the new year.
i am currently watching for 4 days the Cahana kids(my rabbi's family).
at Sunday school today, teaching the little heebs today felt AMAZING!!! i felt like i was confident and doing good work.
a family i work for, my favorite really, is moving to boston. i am kind of praying that maybe they'll take me with them. i'd put off denmark for a year for them. hearing they were going to move broke my heart.
which then cause a ripple effect with my emotions. i've been feeling more sensitive in certain ways. i take notice when my heart feels something i am not really sure about, or feel strongly about.
for instance, alec and i have been "dating" for four months now. and after the adventures at the beach i've felt closer and more strongly about him. i know i won't really allow myself to "fall in love" with him. not really sure why i am keeping myself from doing that. my mother said some positive things about our relationship that she witnessed. and the many occasions that his family INVITES me too, and wants me around, i feel even closer to him.

why do i still feel like i have a fear of real commitment???

back to the kids...want to get us out of the house for a little while. maybe coffee time with some board games...

December 16th, 2006

a year...

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a year has past...and we've gathered in your name.
we all loved him.
and many who didn't attend loved him too.

i thank the people who came, i thank the people who thought of coming (and for reasons couldn't), i thank people who remembered.

i miss him. and will everyday miss that bright eyed best friend puppy boyface that i grew to love over ALMOST 3 years.

but its been a year and i can actually say, i am proud of myself.
i said it last night while drunk having a cigarette with kevin.
and i said it again this morning in my bed looking around my room seeing how far i've come.


who knew so many lifetimes could happen in a year?
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